Mercurial
by Sparkly Red Slippers
Summary: Luna shows Harry how fast his mood swings are. Just something that leaked out of my brain. HP/?
1. In Which it Starts

"So how does that make you feel?" Luna said in greeting as soon as she opened the door to her friend Harry.

"Very angry and confused." he replied as he stormed into the circular tower of the Lovegood's. He was used to Luna's quirks.

"I see, now why?" Luna asked as she settled into an armchair, black glasses without lenses perched onto her nose with a clipboard and quill balanced expertly on top of her knee.

Harry blinked. "I don't know why."

Luna nodded sagely. "Exactly," and wrote something down.

"Huh, I didn't think I would stop being angry so fast. It's so easy."

"No one ever thinks it would be easy." Luna replied in that airy voice of her as she sucked on her sugar quill.

Harry nodded back seriously.


	2. The Scheme

"Ron and Hermione got into a fight today." Harry said scowling at the dirty blonde sitting across from him while he reclined on a sofa. "I think they need couple counseling, they only argue a lot lately, and there's no secret necking when they think the boys are asleep in their beds."

"Haven't they heard of silencing charms?" Luna asked horrified.

"They have, they're called _fights." _Harry snorted.

"We must do something for our dear Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger. I'll see if I can have the assistance of Mr. Dobby to set up a romantic dinner." Luna scribbled furiously on her clipboard, color changing ink splattered across her nose like freckles. It only strengthened Harry's visual of Luna as a multi-colored demented owl.

"So now that we're done making a plan to fix my best friends' love life can we go back to my problems?" Harry asked curiously.

Luna snapped her fingers and the parchment on the clipboard disappeared only to be replaced with a new one.

"Why not Mr. Potter. How was your day today?"


	3. Dragging it on

"Mr. Potter, how was the romantic date for our friends?"

"Terrible." Harry mumbled miserably as he clambered on top of the sofa and curled up. "Hermione was very sweet at first and Ron wasn't acting like the bumbling idiot he was, but then Hermione found out the food was elfin made and it just went downhill from there."

"SPEW?"

"Yeah, dratted SPEW." Harry gave a yawn and rubbed his eyes. "I don't think the relationship is going to continue for much longer. Hermione isn't the type to drag it out. She's going to end it; Ron doesn't have the bollocks to do it."

Ms. Lovegood gave it serious thought for a moment before nodding in agreement with her client.

"No, Ron doesn't have the testicles at all." Luna scribbled something on her clipboard and paused. "Does that make Hermione a lesbian?"

Harry burst into laughter as Luna blinked innocently at him.


	4. Pudding

Luna tapped her pen against the clipboard. She had discarded her quill a while ago. While she could sneak a sugar quill on the sly, the pen made a more satisfying noise.

She studied her notes carefully. They were mainly made up of several tic-tac-toe games against herself, a drawing of a Nargle and some of her homework. But among the scribbles and scrabbles of her wandering mind, were the notes she kept during the sessions.

Luna noticed that Ron and Hermione were a reoccurring topic in their conversations. She tapped the pen to the tune of Virtual Insanity. Was it healthy for her patient's whole world to revolve around two people? Luna remembered how devastated Harry was when Sirius died.

She mildly flapped a hand at a sprite with a pointed chin. Maybe she should go to the kitchens and ask for some pudding. Pudding always warmed her toes up.

Luna nibbled on her lip as she gathered her things. Maybe Harry should enter a relationship of his own while his friends' hit the ground?

Luna nodded her head determinedly. She would have to be careful though. Harry would refuse companionship.

Luna Lovegood would have to play Cupid as well as therapist.

Well damn, who would she set Harry up with? The cute Hufflepuff or the dashing Ravenclaw?

Decisions decisions.


	5. Pretty Makes the World Turn

**An: Sorry!**

Harry was a very stubborn person. Once you saw the determined set of his jaw and the glint in his too green eyes, you knew you couldn't change his mind. You would have to let it crash and burn or watch him do a victory dance when he succeeded.

Which was why Ms. Lovegood was very frustrated. Harry simply would not let his friends' thing go down to the bottom of the ocean. And knowing Harry, (which Luna did, thank you very much) he would refuse to go off spending time with someone else in order to salvage the shipwreck.

Luna would have to find someone just more stubborn if not more than the members of the Pig headed Trio. It would be difficult to find someone who would push past the hero thing. But damn her if she didn't try.

Equipped with a soul seeking amulet she made herself out of a rune stone, some beads, a very disgruntled Hedwig's feathers and a lock of Harry's hair (who she did _not_ stalk into the showers to get) all tied together with a blue string she unraveled from her own Ravenclaw robes.

It was actually quite pretty, if you ignored the freakishness of having someone's hair around your neck.

Luna had a sneaking suspicion though, that if Colin Creevey had possession of the hair, he would immediately start to salivate and most likely masturbate to visions of a certain short Gryffindor.

Luna shivered and drew her Weasley jumper closer to her body, must have been a breeze that came by. _Ruined a bit of the rune's magic though_, Luna observed with a frown. The glowing of the stone faltered a bit and dimmed quite a bit.

A flock of green bellied proggies must have been on the breeze. Unlike their counterparts, the red tipped proggies, the green ones messed with readings quite a bit.

Nonetheless, Luna continued to march outside in her quest to find Harry's soul mate, or something close to it. The brighter the glow, the better! Luna quit her matching when she found something in the grass.

It was a well worn picture of Harry flying, a muggle one at that.

Luna giggled in happiness, her trademark dreamy smile slipping on to her face. Looks like someone had a crush on Harry!


	6. Staked Penis

The dark haired male tore through his room frantically. He couldn't find the damn picture that took him absolutely forever to blackmail out of Creevey. Damn it, if it was found lying around in the dungeons, there would be a demand for blood of the traitor. He couldn't risk summoning it and some passerby catching a glimpse of the photo.

He shivered at the thought of the Slytherins finding out and his penis staked at the entrance to warn the traitors. _Lusting after a Gryffindor, do you want to actually interact with a fool?_

He gingerly cupped his family jewels in order to make sure they were still there.

Head snapping up, brown eyes widening when he realized that someone was coming down the tunnel to the dorms.

A hasty flick of the wand and draws pushed themselves back in, drapes straightened themselves out and books rose to be set on the desks.

Quickly composing himself, he drew strength upon the cold mask that Slytherins and purebloods often used. Cold politeness for wizarding society.

"Malfoy."

"Nott."


	7. Treacle Tart

Harry was calmly eating his favorite treacle tart that Dobby especially made for him (which made Harry just a wee bit leery of his bites) when he suddenly found himself with a lap full of a squirming, squealing blonde.

Now most males would probably be delighted to have a blonde squirming in their laps demanding their attention, except Harry was not most people.

He was in fact the Boy-Who-Lived and – wait, wait a moment. Back up a bit.

Luna was not like most people. _(Now that's right)_ And when she was in your lap you better run.

But Harry the oblivious idiot, just calmly, or not so calmly is his shaking hands were anything to go by, put his fork down. "Yes Luna?"

"Someone has a crush on you!" She sang out, a large dopey grin on her face that revealed a lot of her teeth. She flung her arms out accidentally knocking the plate Harry was eating from onto the floor.

Hermione and Ron, who were arguing about something non important, immediately paused and stared in horror at the plate, it was face down.

Their gaze slowly traveled from the plate on the floor to Harry, who was currently in a stranglehold cleverly disguised as a hug from Luna.

Harry noticed the plate. The silverware and goblets trembled in fear.

"Luna, why is my treacle tart on the floor?" The goblet closest to him exploded in a shower of gold and pumpkin juice.

Luna managed to escape when dinner exploded.


	8. Covert Stalking

"Someone has a crush on you." Luna informed Harry solemnly for the second time.

"Yes I know, you said that at dinner and knocked down the last slice of treacle tart." Harry muttered grumpily, scowling at her, but ended up looking more like a kitten pouting.

"Five second rule," was the amused blonde's reply.

"Anyways, someone has a crush on you Mr. Potter. And I intend to find out whom."

"In case you haven't noticed Ms. Lovegood, I am the boy-who-lived and consequently they hero worship me and misinterpret it as love."

"But I found a photo of you." Luna waved the evidence in the air, a put out expression on her face.

"Colin takes a lot of pictures of me. He likes to be covert too. No flash, nobody sees, nobody knows." Harry met her gaze with a blank expression on his face.

"He really _is_ a stalker."


	9. Herny or Hermarius?

"Weasley, you're an idiot."

Ron looked up from his game of chess with Harry (who was spectacularly losing) to glare at the haughty, the only, Zacharias Smith, who was smirking even more broadly than Malfoy.

This was saying something, since Malfoy's smirk stretched off his thin pointy face and into the air. Luna would remark that it sort of hung around him like a horrible stinking cloak that repelled merry-makers. And Luna wasn't talking about a magical creature.

"Watch your mouth Smith!" Ron snarled, tips of his ear turning a rapidly darkening red. Harry and the chess board scooted away from the angry Weasley and started a conversation about the best method to calm down a raging rhino.

"I mean really, Weasley. How could you give up on the gorgeous Hermione Granger?" Cool blue eyes looked mockingly upon the older boy. "Ah that's right, Granger decided to give up on you. Too bad for you, great for me, I intend to ask her if she wants to accompany me on a Hogsmeade weekend. " Smith turned on his heel and marched back to the Hufflepuff table, laughing with a group of his friends.

"Git," Ron muttered darkly under his breath as Harry gave him a sympathetic glance and pat on his arm. "Hermione wouldn't go out with that bag of dung right?"

"Of course not, do you want a muffin?" The chess pieces watched impressed as Harry soothed the snorting rhino.

Well, looks like the Hermione and Ron relationship isn't quite over, Harry mused as he watched Ron rival Goyle in his muffin consumption.


	10. Sexually Active Luna

Luna lazily made a snow angel in the used to be virgin snow. The thought made Luna pause in her ministrations for a moment, and then happily preceded to pop the snow's cherry. It wasn't everyday at Hogwarts she took someone's virginity. It was quite the special occasion.

"I hope I made it special baby," Luna informed the snow.

The snow didn't reply. Luna pouted, unhappy that her new love wasn't vocal. At all. Oh well, that's what happens when you fall in love with inanimate objects. Luna carefully rose from her position in the snow, trying not to disturb the newly formed snow angel.

She frowned at her beloved, "I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us baby." She glanced dispassionately at the sad looking snow angel, turned on her heel and trudged through the snow, looking for a fresh batch of snow.

The blonde's mind wandered over to her last few sessions with Harry. She had tried to reason with him about his grief with Sirius, the sharpest one out of all his issues, in hopes of realizing why it was so weird to grieve someone he barely knew. She knew it was sometimes pointless to reason with Harry, but she was hoping that he would come to an epiphany of sorts.

No such luck. She had him make a list of what he knew about Harry, from the shallow to the deep. And she was shocked to see how long the list was for someone he barely saw in the two years he knew his godfather.

It was gut wrenching, mind blowing, heart shattering sad. They were obviously close if Harry knew that Sirius liked his mayonnaise on the left, mustard on the right with ketchup in the middle.

It made Luna wonder if Harry and Cedric were close. Harry was just so sad after, and angry.

It made the inside of her pinky toe wiggle and churn something fierce.

She thought of her snow angel. Maybe Cedric and Harry were intimate.

The blonde Ravenclaw gave a loud gasp and her hands flew to her mouth. Cedric popped Harry's cherry??!! He probably left Harry with a child and Harry had to kill it because he couldn't take care of it.

The scoundrel! Hadn't he ever heard of condoms? And there's such a nice variety as well. Luna couldn't believe Cedric was so irresponsible.

Luna hopped through the snow to doors of Hogwarts hoping Harry wasn't still sexually active. She needed to tell him about the dangers of having love without a glove.

In the back of her brain, she decided to ignore the fact that males couldn't get pregnant like regular witches and it took a lot of fancy work to get a male pregnant.

And even if she acknowledged that part of her brain, Harry still needed the sex talk.


	11. Banana Nana

Mortified, Harry made a quick getaway from the Great hall and away from Luna's . . . interesting display.

He would never be able to look at bananas the same way ever again, _or_ bagels, _or_ whip cream.

And where the hell did she get the idea he used to be pregnant? All in all, it was a rather traumatic evening where he couldn't enjoy his dessert with Ron sputtering in front of him, Hermione avidly listening and adding her comments and Seamus leering rather lewdly at him.

Harry petulantly kicked a wall for being too shiny and clean.


	12. The Party To End all Partying

"So I swear I do believe in Nargles." (1) Harry repeated solemnly after Luna along with Neville with his wand arm raised. Neville and Harry were just admitted as members to the super exclusive and super prestigious Luna's Forever Friendship Club which only included two other members, Luna herself and her pet unicorn, Charlie.

Harry had reconciled with Luna after Neville decided with (new found) confidence that the best course of action was to stick up for Harry's honor and chaste condition after the whole banana-bagel-whip cream incident (which was never be spoken of again) and had valiantly declared war on the Kingdom of Luna one foot planted on the Gryffindor table and fingers pointed to the sky.

The fact that it was dinner time and the Great Hall ceiling showed a spectacular sunset made the picture even more awe inspiring, until Neville squeaked in embarrassment from the pointing and whispering of the other Houses. Harry had to gently maneuver a stupefied Neville back into his seat and quietly thank him for his effort. Luna just looked on amused.

However she did not look amused when all the peaches and oranges, her favorite fruits, disappeared the next day during mealtimes.

The resulting war between the two factions, involved 3 house elves, a rubber chicken, several cans of day-glo paint, and a lock of Dumbledore's beard.

However the resulting after party, after the treaty was signed in fudge, and Harry and Neville were sworn into Luna's club, involved several gallons of spiked butterbeer, ten pounds of chocolate, the film _Bugsy Malone _(2) (how Luna got it to run was anyone's guess), fishnets and dark lipstick.

0o0

Gomen? T.T

1: Line from the song I Believe in Nargles by The Whomping Willows, a Wizard Rock band. They even have a song called In Which Draco and Harry Secretly Want to Make Out. *swoons*

2. Fantastic kid gangsta movie. Go watch it. Now. 8D The songs will steal your breath away. It's on a certain video sharing web site from what I know of.


End file.
